The ideal wife (Proverbs 31)

One of the questions that has to be addressed when the modern reader looks at the book of Proverbs is, ‘Is this book sexist?’  After all, there are comments about the nagging wife, but nothing about a nagging husband; there are warnings about the adulterous woman, but nothing about the adulterous man; and, here we have help for wife choosing, but nothing about husband choosing.

All this makes more sense when you look at the purpose of the book.  Proverbs is primarily a book of advice from a father and mother to their son (1:8).  If these were the words of a father and mother to their daughter there would be advice of such things as the seductive man.  Notice too that the advice is coming from both mother and father, and that this last chapter is a divine utterance given to the mother of King Lemuel.  In this book when wisdom is personified, it is personified as a female, and the ideal woman of this last chapter actually pictures the wisdom of this book being lived out.  This is not a sexist book!

In this last chapter, King Lemuel’s mother tells him to rule with justice and mercy, and to be a voice for the voiceless.  Proverbs is a book that reflects God’s care for the socially vulnerable—one of my favourite proverbs is ‘whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is merciful to the needy honours God’ (14:31).  Lemuel’s mother then tells him to keep a clear and sober head, so that he can rule righteously.  Finally, she speaks about the important matter of what qualities Lemuel should look for in a wife.

Marriage involves a singular love

Lemuel’s mother tells him not to give his strength to women (plural).  This was one area where Solomon was not wise.  He turned his heart to many women, who turned his heart from God and divided the kingdom.  Lemuel’s mother instructs him to find an excellent wife (singular).  Marriage involves a singular love.

If you like flirting with many people, then you are not preparing yourself to give yourself to one single person.  There is a phrase used in the qualifications for elders in the New Testament, it says that elders are literally to be ‘one-womaned’ men (1 Timothy 3:2).  Being a one-womaned man, or a one-maned woman, involves having eyes that are not straying and a heart that is loyal.

I remember hearing a speaker say that men do not lose their love for their wives, they give it away.  Maybe you have stopped striving to be the ideal husband.  Maybe your passion is not for another woman, but for your career.  Maybe you are not a one-womaned man, but a no-womaned husband who has become apathetic.

Only consider marrying someone who loves the Lord

The book of Proverbs opens by declaring that ‘the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord (1:7).  Now it ends by saying, ‘a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised’ (30).  Don’t take any short cuts on this.  If you love Jesus, then you are looking for someone who loves Jesus, too.  This must be a non-negotiable for you.  

While the book of Proverbs warns against being a sluggard, this woman is hard-working (11-15).  While the book of Proverbs tells us to be generous, this woman opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hand to the needy’ (20).  While the book of Proverbs has so much to tell us about how we speak, this woman ‘opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue’ (26).  This woman has a faith that affects her actions, attitudes and speech!  

Godliness is more important than either looks or personality

Teenagers ask each other, ‘which is more important: looks or personality?’ Here is a Proverbs that addresses that issue: ‘Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion’ (11:22).  The answer to the question of looks verses personality is that godliness is the most important thing.  The Proverbs tell us that look fade and charm can be deceptive, but a woman who fear the Lord is to be praised (30).  In the structure of this Hebrew poem the crux of the matter is in the centre.  The centre of this poem says that such a wife results in ‘her husband [being] known at the gates when he sits among the elders of the land’ (23).

What is it that cause the elders of the land to admire this man’s wife?  They are not sitting there saying, ‘gosh, your wife is a babe!’  They are not envying her because she flirts with them.  They admire this man because she is someone who puts her faith into practice.

Don’t get the impression that while she is running around working hard he is simply sitting with his friends at the city gate.  The city gate was where commercial transactions were carried, and it was there that the city elders sat and sorted out disputes.  Her husband is among the respected men who work hard for the community.  Here is an example of the saying that behind every great man there is a great woman.

Marriage is a call to servanthood  

One of the most striking things about the woman being described in this poem is how other-person centred she is.  In this way she models the character of Christ, who is the personification of wisdom.

Selfishness comes naturally to me, as it does to you.  I don’t have to wake up in the morning and pray, ‘Lord, help me put myself ahead of everyone else.’  That is what I am inclined to do.  But I do need to pray, ‘help me to praise my wife, nurture my children and genuinely care for those I meet today.’

Jesus dignified the role of servant more than any other leader.  ‘I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my live as a ransom for many’ (Mark 10:45).  The cross shows how far Jesus went to serve his people.  The cross is the example that Jesus calls us to follow.  It is an example that we are to live out in all our relationships, including marriage.  The good news if you are a follower in love with Jesus is that Christ is in you enabling you to become more like him.  

Encourage those you love

‘Her children praise her and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her’ (28).  You may be aware of where your wife struggles to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but are you praising her where she demonstrates even a little of these qualities?  The power of encouragement is a wonderful thing.  Don’t look down this list to see where she is failing, instead see what God is doing in her life and nourish it with gentle words.  Similarly, wives, don’t just focus on the husband’s failings, but look to see evidence of Christ at work in him.

Conclusion

If I was a woman reading these verses, one of the problems I would have is that they would make me feel inadequate.  All of us fail to be like this ideal woman.  Every married man here lives with a woman who is less than perfect, and every wife here lives with a man who is less than ideal.  Married or single, we look at ourselves and see faults.  But the Proverbs know about grace.  ‘Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find mercy’ (28:13).

Jesus, who knew that we were incapable of perfection in this life, nevertheless told his us, ‘you must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’ (5:48).  We are called to pursue perfection.  So, when you look for a spouse or when you look at yourself, we ask, ‘are they/we pursing perfection?  Do they/we want to grow in Christ?  Are they/we becoming humbler?  Are they/we becoming quicker to confess their/our faults?  Your potential spouse may not have been a Christian for a long time, but are they wanting to grow in grace?  You may have been a Christian for ages, but have you become stagnant?  Don’t just look for the ideal spouse, ask God to help you aim at perfection in yourself!

What do your words say about you? (Proverbs)

‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.’  Rubbish!  Not even close to being true.  Words wound us.  Some of you carry scars from the harsh words of a teacher or parent.  Those words stung.  The Proverbs put it much more accurately when they claim: ‘There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts’ (12:18a).

This morning we are looking at one of the major themes in the book of Proverbs: our use of words.  In particular, we are going to examine the difference between harsh words and gracious words.  We will also see four keys to speaking better words.

Harsh words taste good, but gracious words are sweet

At the end of Proverbs there is a portrait of the ideal woman.  This woman’s life is a living illustration of the wisdom of Proverbs.  We see that ‘the teaching of kindness is on her tongue’ (31:26b).  However, not all words are kind.  Gossip and flattery are anything but kind.

‘The words of a gossip [literally ‘the whisperer’] are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts’ (18:8).  We gossip because we enjoy it.  It appeals to our sinful nature (lit. ‘flesh’), whose works include envy, jealousy, strife, enmity, fits of anger and the like (Galatians 5:20-21).  The words of a gossip may be true, but they are told in such a way as to make the subject of gossip look bad.  Gossip makes us feel superior to the person being gossiped about.  We want people to think that we would never do what they are doing.  As we see others put down, we feel ourselves being lifted up.

As well as gossip, the Proverbs warn of the danger of falling for flattery.  ‘A person who flatters his neighbour spreads a net for their feet’ (29:5).  I heard a clever explanation of the difference between gossip and flattery: gossip is when you say something behind someone’s back that you would never say to their face, and flattery is when you say something to their face that you would never say behind their back.  Be on our guard against flattery!  Don’t use charm to manipulate people!

Harsh words are not the only words that have a taste.  ‘Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body’ (16:24).  As one commentator points out, there is a spirit of friendliness in such gracious words.  It actually tastes good to speak kindly to people.  It tastes good to say, ‘thank you’ or ‘I am sorry’.  It tastes good to speak positively about people.

This issue of taste provides us with the first key to changing how we speak.  You see certain tastes don’t go well together.  You might like meat balls, but not with your muesli.  So, if you fill your mouth with the muesli of kind words, you will not want to add the meatballs of gossip.  

Key One:  Fill your mouth with loving words that taste good, and you will have no appetite for words that do harm.  Practice speaking graciously, and you won’t want to tear people apart by what you say about them.  Practice encouragement and you will give up the put-downs.

Harsh words show a lack of love, but gracious words bring healing

While harsh words are like sword thrusts, ‘the tongue of the wise brings healing’ (12:18b).  Similarly, ‘anxiety in a person’s heart weighs them down, but good words make them glad’ (12:25).  I think of a card received from a friend when I was struggling with depression, and the encouragement that was.  I think of the caring WhatsApp messages from another friend at the same time.  Have you ever been in a situation where you have been filled with worry, but a friend has listened and spoken gentle words of reassurance?  Do you want to speak words that heal?  

The Proverbs tell us that words have the power of death and life (18:21).  They can cause strife or bring reconciliation.  I remember having an argument with a friend, where I spoke arrogantly, and probably ruined the friendship.  Words can separate close friends (16:28), but they can also make friends out of former enemies (16:7).  Was it not with words that someone spoke the life-giving message of the gospel to you?  Someone sat down with you and explained that while your guilt before a holy God is far more serious than you ever realised, God sent his one and only Son that whoever believes in him would not perish but have eternal life.

This provides the second key to changing your words.

Key Two:  Ask God to enable you to love people, so that you want to speak words that heal.  The fruit of the Spirit is love (Galatians 5:22).  He can cause you to speak kind words that restore, rather than harsh words that wound.

Before going on to our third point, I must point out something that I find very challenging, as someone who speaks too much: Proverbs tell us to listen more and speak less.  ‘Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent’ (17:28).  ‘Whoever belittles his brother lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent’ (11:12).

Harsh words are worthless, but gracious words are precious

‘A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver’ (25:11).  The most precious of all words are the words recorded for us in the Bible.  ‘Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him’ (30:5).   Foolish people don’t see the value of words.  What value can you place on an ‘I love you’ from someone that you adore?  What price could be paid for an ‘well done’ from someone you admire?  I love the line in the film ‘Wonder’: ‘If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind.’

Because words have both power and value, we should think before we speak.  ‘Do you see a person who is hasty in his words?  There is more hope for a fool than him’ (29:20).  We pray with the Psalmist, ‘set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!’ (Psalm 141:3).

Key 3:  Remember the value and power of words, so think before you speak.

Harsh words anger God, but gracious words please him

It is quite sobering to realise that while God will always love his people, he sometimes hates the words we speak.  The Lord hates a lying tongue (6:17).    ‘A dishonest man spreads strife; and a gossip separates close friends’ (16:28).  ‘Better a poor person who walks in integrity than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool’ (19:1).  ‘A truthful witness saves lives, but he who utters lies is treacherous’ (14:25).  ‘Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment’ (12:19).

While God hates deceitful words, gracious words please him.  Isn’t it wonderful that God can take pleasure in words that come from your mouth?  One type of word that he loves is the prayer of his forgiven and adopted children.  ‘The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous’ (15:29).  ‘The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is acceptable to him’ (15:8).  He sees gracious words as pure (15:26b).    In the Revelation we read that ‘the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, went up before God out of the angel’s hands’ (Revelation 8:4).  God loves it when you pour out your heart to him.

Not only do kind words please God, they make us a pleasure to those around us.  ‘He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, has the king for his friend’ (22:11).  When your words are kind, charitable, truthful, sincere and pure you will attract people to you, and you will attract people to God.  When your speech is negative and critical you will repel people from you, and they will not be interested in your God.

Key Four: Remember that God cares about the words that come out of your mouth.  Surely this is the greatest motive to speak gracious words.

Conclusion

Four keys to speaking gracious words:  Fill your mouth with loving words that taste good, and you will have no appetite for words that do harm.  Ask God to enable you to love people, so that you want to speak well of them.  Think before you speak.  Remember that God cares about the words that come out of your mouth.  

Finally, what do your words say about your heart?  Jesus said, ‘out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks’ (Luke 6:45).  One blogger explains, ‘A critical heart produces a critical tongue.  A self-righteous heart produces a judgemental tongue.  A bitter heart produces an acerbic tongue.  An ungrateful heart produces a grumbling tongue.  But a loving heart produces a gracious tongue.  A faithful heart produces a truthful tongue.  A peaceful heart produces a reconciling tongue.  A trusting heart produces an encouraging tongue.  So fill your heart with grace …’ (Jon Bloom).  Remember the love that the Father has poured out on you and let it change how you speak!

We finish by praying with the Psalmist: ‘Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer’ (Psalm 19:14).

Growing old wisely (Proverbs)

‘Gosh, you’ve aged!’  How would you feel if that was the first thing I said to you?  You’d probably feel as annoyed as if I observed, ‘you’ve put on a bit of weight.’  Unless we are under twenty-five, we do not like the fact that we are getting older.  If we are honest, old age can scare us.  But the book of Proverbs has some positive things to say about aging, and it tells us to both respect and look after those who are old.

The following five Proverbs speak about growing old.

A grey head is a crown of glory; it is found in the way of righteousness’ (16:31).  ‘Grandchildren are the crown of old men.  And the glory of children is their father’ (17:6).  ‘The glory of young men is their strength.  And the honour of old men is their grey hair’ (20:29).  ‘Train up a child in the way he should go.  Even when he is old he will not depart from it’ (22:6).  ‘Listen to your father who begat you.  And do not despise your mother when she is old’ (23:22).  

Growing old reveals what we value

Life is short (James 4:14).  Beauty is fleeting (31:30).  Strength fades with the passing of the years (20:29a).  So much of what we value deteriorates over time.  But the proverbs tell us that wisdom shouldn’t decrease as we get older, it should grow.  That is what is implied by the proverbs of grey hair.  It is not a fashion statement.  It is saying that as grey hair comes with age so should wisdom.

We gave my dad a mug that is inscribed, ‘Grandads share a lifetime of knowledge with a heart full of love.’  My dad has learned a lot of things over the course of his life.  He has plenty to teach his grandkids, as does my mum.  We should seek to learn from those who are older than us.  

We should also respect those who are older than us.  Particularly those who have walked in the love of the Lord.  Why do you think that traditional communities referred to their leaders as ‘elders’?  It was because most of their leaders were older.  They valued the insight of experience.  The old have learned to depend on God through many storms.  They have experienced his faithfulness through many trials.  They may have a lifetime of learning about his grace.

There are many downsides to aging, but wisdom can be an upside.  Those of us who are younger can look forward to growing in our experience and knowledge of God.  If we idolise looks and strength, then aging has nothing to offer us (remember that the proverbs tell us that beauty is fleeting).  We will fight the signs of aging, but we will not be able to hide its reality.  But if we value growing in godliness, then you can find yourself on a trajectory that leads to increasing gentleness, kindness and humility.  If we are learning to shelter under God’s wing (Psalm 91:4), then we can face the inevitable storms of our later years.  If we are growing in our confidence in God, then we know that as he brings us through the valley of the shadow of death he will bring us home to his heavenly banquet.  Often old age reveals what is on the inside.  You lose the energy to put on a face and people get to see the years of spiritual nourishment or spiritual neglect.   

Caring for the old reveals our heart

Jesus was passionate about caring for the elderly.  He called out the hypocrisy of Pharisees, who had devised a tradition to get them out of looking after their older parents.  These Pharisees claimed that you could dedicate, to God, the money you had set aside for the care of your parents.  Then you were no longer under any obligation to provide for them.  Jesus looked back to the command to honour your father and mother, and declared that they had, ‘made void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down’ (Mark 7:13).  One of the ways to honour them is to listen to them, and respecting what they have to say!

The love of a caring parent is so precious that God uses it as an illustration of God’s love for his children.  ‘As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him’ (Psalm 103:13).  ‘Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!’ (Isaiah 49:15).  Tim Keller observes that a loving parent is never happier than their saddest child.

So why would the Proverbs have to remind us to ‘Listen to your father who begat you.  And do not despise your mother when she is old’ (23:22)?  The proverbs tell us not to despise our elderly parents because we are naturally selfish.  I’ve known really godly people who have struggled with the demands of looking after an ill parent or relative.  You might feel disgusted with yourself for finding it difficult to care for someone who cared for you so well.  Bring it to the God of grace.  ‘Whoever conceals his transgressions does not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find mercy’ (28:13).  Jesus shed his blood for our selfish hearts!

Before I finish up, I want to address two issues: the feeling of being judged for how you care for your parents and the fact that we all have elderly parents in the family of the church.

We are tempted to judge people for their parenting and for the way they look after their elderly.  Those who have elderly can feel judged.  How often do we visit?  Should we send them to a nursing home?  Should they come and live with us?  All these can be tormenting questions for those who have responsibilities for elderly relatives.  Don’t worry about your critics.  The wisdom of Proverbs is about seeking to please God, and our God is understanding, gracious and kind.

Then there is the fact that in our church there will be elderly people who have no relatives living close by.  Yet they are our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers (Mark 3:32-35).  We are to love them as our own, because they are our own.  Indeed, the Proverbs tells us to love all vulnerable people.  What is said of the poor could be said of anyone in need: ‘Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed’ (19:17).

Conclusion

Are you feeling old?  Are you scared of getting old?  Here is the comfort.  Jesus is the proof of God’s love to you.  If God loves you enough to give his Son for you, can’t he be trusted to hold you in his love all the days of this life?  Nothing can separate us from the love of God, including everything that leads up to death and beyond.

Are you caring for someone who is older?  God wants to pour out his love through you.  God understands when you find it hard.  He forgives when you get frustrated.  He is with you when it feels lonely.  You can shelter under his wing as you seek to provide shelter for others.

I realise the relationship between a husband and wife is different than that of a child to an elderly parent or relative, however the following story is an inspiration to all who love the vulnerable.  

After his wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, seminary president, Robertson McQuilkin, found himself torn between two commitments—to his wife and to his ministry.  He decided to resign from his college career.  In his resignation speech he stated:

‘I haven’t in my life experienced easy decision-making on major decisions, but one of the simplest and clearest decisions I’ve made is this one, because circumstances dictated it.  Muriel now, in the last couple of months, seems to be almost happy when with me, and almost never happy when not with me.  In fact, she seems to feel trapped becomes very fearful, sometimes almost terror, and when she can’t get to me there can be anger, … she’s in distress.  But when I am with her she is happy and contented, and so I must be with her at all times … and you see, it’s not only that I promised in sickness and health, ‘till death do us part … it’s the only fair thing.  She sacrificed for me, for forty years … so if I cared for her for forty years, I’d still be in debt.  However, there’s much more …  It’s not that I have to, it’s that I get to.  I love her dearly … And it’s a great honour to care for such a wonderful person.’

So, may God graciously forgive us for failing in our call to love, and may he graciously enable us to love those to whom we are called.

The Proverbial Parent

In the film, Mermaid, the character played by Cher is a mother who has a tumultuous relationship with her daughter.  After one particularly heated argument they both end up in tears.  Cher embraces her daughter and exclaims, ‘how do I know what to do, you didn’t come with instructions?’  

However, she did come with instructions!  Those instructions are in the Bible.  The Proverbs have a lot to say about raising children.  We are just going to look at some of it.

You must not shelter your child from the world

In chapter one we learn that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom (1:7).  Your great aim for your children must be that they fear God.  Fearing God is not being afraid of God but living in a delighted awe and reverence before God.  You could say this this is your only aim for your children, for everything else in life is merely window-dressing.

One of the things that makes raising children difficult is that society is not enthusiastic about the Christian faith.  You are raising children in a world that wants to draw them away from the Christianity.  The temptation would be to protect them by sheltering them from the world.  But that would be a mistake!

But this wisdom is not found in the safety of a Christian bubble.  This wisdom is found as you engage with the real world.  ‘Wisdom cries out in the street, in the market place she raised her voice’ (1:8).  Your children will be attracted to your faith when they see that you can live an authentic Christian life as you rub shoulders with all sorts of people.  

One researcher in America found that teens were most likely to follow the Christian faith of their parents when they felt that their parents understood the world, understood their world, and understood the problems they faced in the world.

You must live in the world, but you must not be shaped by the world

This book is primarily the words of a father and a mother to their son (1:8).  Begin the teaching them straight away, because the window of most influence is short.    ‘Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it’ (22:6).  I am not as disciplined about praying with our children as I should be, and I hate all the opportunities I miss to influence them.  

This task of teaching your child the gospel is an every-moment task.  I love what Moses teaches about speaking to your children God’s commands.  ‘… Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up’ (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).  Caroline is wonderful at integrating faith talk into everyday conversation.  

It is not just your words that count.  Your example matters.  Your children will not be attracted to our faith if it is not consistent.  They will smell hypocrisy if you are one person in church and another at home.  We have to be able to say to our children, ‘My son [or daughter], give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways’ (23:26).  We must engage meaningfully in the world, but we must not be shaped by the world.

Your children won’t learn gospel humility if you are reluctant to confess your sins.  They need to hear you say ‘sorry’ often.  It is sobering to realise how much our attitudes and actions affect the children who watch us.  Your temper, how you speak about people, how you use your money and your attitudes all have a bigger impact on those who look up to you than you realise.  Chuck Swindoll reminds us that, ‘each day we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.’

Your children must not always get their way

Parents, you have little monsters on your hands.  They might be cute, but these are no little angels that you are dealing with.  You don’t have to teach your children to be selfish and self-centred.  One of the first things a child does is grab. Tragically, ‘foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child’ (22:15).

Proverbs tells us that we are to start a child off in the way they should go (22:6a).  It does not say, set them off in the way that they want to go.  Parenting involves a battle of wills.  They don’t naturally want what is best for them. They won’t naturally regulate their screen time; they won’t volunteer to eat vegetables; and, they won’t fall in love with Jesus without instruction.   

When you deny them what they will see this as proof that ‘you don’t love me!’  However, the truth is that the parent who always lets their child get their way is the one who does not love their children.  ‘Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them’ (13:26).

Of course, discipline can be badly done (which is not really discipline at all).  It is easier to shout at them from the couch than leave the television, explain why what they have done is wrong and punish them appropriately.  We must not discipline through a hot temper.  Children need to know that they are the object of powerful, unconditional, cherishing love (even when they are in trouble).  ‘For I too was a son of my father …  and cherished by my mother’ (4:3). 

 ‘Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away’ (22:15).  Discipline teaches children that there is such a thing as right and wrong.  Without discipline they will struggle to understand the goodness and holiness of God.  Discipline teaches them that actions have consequences.  Without discipline they will get themselves in all sorts of trouble.  Discipline teaches them that sin should be punished, and we point them to the gracious God who forgives, and whose Son took the final punishment that they deserve.  Discipline reminds them that the God calls his forgiven people to a life of holiness and stops them making a wreck of their faith. 

Discipline must be balanced with praise.   A woman called Melissa Kruger, ‘Praise is a powerful tool and a blessing for children.  It helps them to know what’s right, and at the same time communicates that you care about them … our children need us to be watching them for right behaviour, every bit as much as correcting wrong behaviour.’  Catch them doing good!  Encourage them to realise that the God who sees all that we do delights when we act in love for him.  Remember the power of words.  ‘Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones’ (16:24).

You mustn’t just pray for their happiness

The Bible is aware that sometimes parents who teach their children to love the Lord, end up with children who do not follow Jesus.  We remember that wonderful father Jesus spoke, who had two sons who did not love what he stood for.  

It was reading an article on how to pray for prodigals.  It said that, ‘It’s incredibly hard to pray for anything but a comfortable, successful, and pain-free life for our children, but as Christian parents, the greatest eternal good that we can pray for them is their salvation over their earthly happiness or comfort.  We have to fight for them in this world filled with temporary pleasures, self-gratification, and blurry lines—entrusting their lives to our Lord—even if the path of salvation comes through pain.  I am eternally grateful’ the writer said, ‘that my parents loved me enough to pray for my brokenness, a brokenness that would lead to healing … It’s only when we have completely surrendered our children to him that we can pray, “Father, use what you must to save my child from an eternity apart from you, no matter what the cost.”’  You mustn’t just pray for your children’s happiness!

Conclusion—Parenting is a privilege

Someone asked Billy Graham why no-one had explained to them how hard it was to be a parent.  He replied, ‘I’m sure that almost every parent can echo your frustration, for it’s hard being a parent—very hard.  It’s not just exhausting physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  In fact, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

But it can also be one of the most satisfying, if we learn to look beyond the immediate problems and heartaches and begin to see things from God’s point of view.  After all, God gave your children to you, and He did it because they need the love and wisdom only you can give them …

In other words, God has given you one of the greatest privileges imaginable: the privilege of helping shape the future of another human being.  Someday you children will no longer live with you—but what will their memories be? … Don’t let your frustrations or weariness crowd out your love.

Father, please forgive us for our shortcomings as parents.  Help us not lose heart when they respond in disobedience.  May we be firm and serious, warm and affectionate.  And please keep us from giving up on those children who have strayed from the faith their parents taught them.  Amen.

‘How can I be slow to anger?’ (Proverbs)

Two men were playing racket ball.  They had their rackets attached to their wrists.  One of the men was taking everything a little too seriously.  He began to roll his eyes.  Then he started to self-talk, calling himself an idiot.  Finally, he lost it.  He threw the racket to the ground, forgetting that it was tied to his wrist. The racket hit his shin and blood began to squirt everywhere.  He took that racket off his wrist and taught it a lesson.  Then he came to his senses.  He realised he had been a fool.  Eventually the two men began to laugh.  But his friend thought, ‘I wouldn’t want to be his wife’.

Why do we feel so foolish after we lose our temper?  We feel foolish because we have just acted like a fool.  ‘A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly’ (14:29).

A hot temper is infectious

Commenting on the man with the racket ball rage, Ed Welch points out that this man was from a family of racket smashers.  They loved each other, but competition was war.  When you lost a game, you smashed things.

Proverbs warns us to avoid those who can’t control their temper.  ‘Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare’ (22:24-25).  Uncontrolled anger is infectious.

The problem for children is that they can’t avoid an angry parent.  As a result, the anger passes through the generations.  Racket-smashers breed racket-smashers.  We want to learn to control our anger for the sake of those we love.   

Not only does uncontrolled anger damage our family, it affects the communities that we are a part of.  Who wants to live beside an angry neighbour?  Who wants to face an angry colleague?  Churches can be destroyed by the angry.  ‘A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but one who is patient calms a quarrel’ (15:18).

As well as hurting those around us, uncontrolled anger hurts ourselves.  Research shows many health effects of uncontrolled anger.  Nothing sets you up for stress, depression and heart attacks like anger.  ‘A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot’ (14:30).

A hot temper is addictive

Uncontrolled anger is a hard habit to break.  ‘A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty, rescue them, and you will have to do it again’ (19:19).  You rescue a hot-tempered man from the trouble their rage has caused, and you soon release that they have got themselves into more trouble from another tantrum.

Psychologists used to encourage people to vent their rage, but they have come to learn better.  ‘Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end’ (29:11).  

A psychology magazine re-produced a letter that had been sent to a newspaper counsellor:

‘Dear Counsellor,

You told that mother of a three-year-old with anger problems to let him kick the furniture to get the anger out of his system.

Well, my younger brother used to kick the furniture when he got mad.  He is thirty-two years old now.  He is still kicking the furniture (what’s left of it).  But he is also kicking his wife, the kids and anything else that gets in his way.

Last week he kicked the television out of a second story window.  The window was closed at the time.’

Instead of having a hot temper we need to be slow to anger

Given all the destruction that anger causes, it might surprise you that Proverbs doesn’t condemn anger outright.  It says that the solution to our anger problem is not no anger but slow anger.  Our God is slow to anger.

Time and again, in the Old Testament, we read that the LORD is slow to anger and abounding in love (e.g. 103:8).  His anger is controlled and reasonable.  In the New Testament Jesus got angry with leaders who were more interested in protocol than they were in a man being healed (Mark 3:5), when people were using the temple as a means of personal profit (John 2:13-17), and when his disciples kept children away from his blessing (Mark 10:14).

The Proverbs commend the slow to anger.  ‘A hot-tempered man stirs up strife.  But the one slow to anger calms a dispute’ (15:18).  ‘He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty.  And he who rules his spirit, then he who captures a city’ (16:32).  Those who can’t control their anger are weak.

Our problem is that our anger reveals the disordered nature of our loves.  We watch the news and see the terrible harm caused by an evil dictator and we remain unmoved.  We should be angry.  Then we get bored and go to change the channel, but can’t find the remote control, and we are full of self-centred rage.

What does our anger say about us?  It says that we are self-righteous.  In our anger we often assume that we are right and everyone else is in the wrong.  It says that we are selfish.  We insist on getting our own way.   It says that we are arrogant.  Our sarcasm declares, ‘You’re stupid and I am not.’  Our judgementalism says, ‘I am better than them.’  We are hypocrites who see the offences of others in High Definition, and we see our own faults through rose-tinted glasses.  Jealousy says, ‘I deserve what you have, and you don’t’.  When we are hurt, we withdraw attempting to punish the other person.  Yet the Proverbs tell us ‘not to say, “I will repay evil”’ but to ‘wait for the Lord and he will deliver you’ (Proverbs 20:22, see also, 25:21-22).  ‘A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger.  And it is his glory to overlook a transgression’ (19:11).    

How do we change?

Admit your anger.  Proverbs is very good at convicting us about the nature of our anger.  We have to stop blaming our rage on other people or unfavourable circumstances.  Jesus said that ‘from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks’ (Luke 6:45).  People, tiredness or hunger don’t cause us to be angry, they simply help surface the anger that lies within.

Confess your anger.  Our anger is primarily aimed at God.  Our anger prays ‘my will be done’ not ‘your will be done’.  God is in control of our lives, and we accuse him of not doing a very good job.  He calls us to be calm and we tell him to mind his own business.  When God took on flesh and dwelt amongst us, we condemned him, mocked him, spat on him and applauded as he was pinned on a cross to die.  Yet ‘when he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23).  ‘Sorry’ is a wonderful powerful word.  We say sorry to God and then to those we have hurt.  Ask him for the grace to forgive as we have been forgiven. 

Thank God that he has taken the punishment for all our angry outbursts and all our self-righteous tantrums.  ‘Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy’ (28:13).   Uncontrolled anger is slavery and Christ has come to set us free.  Cultivating a life of gratitude is a great antidote to anger.  Thank him for the fact that he goes on forgiving you.  Thank him that he is committed to changing you.  Thank him that though you need strength to control you anger (16:32), he has given you his Spirit.  Pride wants to justify our rage, but a humble heart simply delights in being forgiven.

Recommended:

Tim Keller’s sermon on anger is excellent.  So excellent that when I heard it I thought, ‘how am I going to preach on this subject without simply lifting what he has said?’

Also, I enjoyed reading Ed Welch’s book, ‘A Small book about a big problem.’

I am a person devoid of any original thought and lean heavily on what others write and preach.

Proverbs and Purity (Proverbs 5)

A Texas professor speaks of sex outside marriage as being like duct tape.  When you first stick this duct tape on to a person it fastens very well.  However, if you rip it off and stick it on to another, it becomes less sticky.  Keep moving from person to person and the duct tape becomes worthless.  Similarly, moving from sexual partner to sexual partner removes the glue and makes the act of sex lose intimacy.

I suppose the opposite is true with regards to sex within marriage.  One of the things that bonds a married couple together is a good sexual relationship.  For those of with a lot of sexual regret, that duct tape can become sticky again as we experience gracious and loving intimacy within the purity of marriage.  

I realise that there can be things such as health issues that disturb the sexual relationship, but, where possible, sex is a delight and discipline that married couples should put effort into.

The fifth chapter of Proverbs talks to us of sex and temptation.

Teach your children about sex.

The first thing that we notice is that the father is talking to his son about sex.  ‘My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ears to my understanding’ (1).   Our kids are being bombarded by sexual images and messages.  The world no longer agrees with the church on issues of sexual morality.  Your children’s schools will teach them about sexual safety but not about sexual morality.  Christian parents must teach their children about what is wonderful gift that yet has the potential to be a horrible snare.

Tell them that sex is for marriage. 

The ‘adulterous’ (3) is literally ‘the strange woman’.  Not strange in terms of being odd, but strange in terms of being any woman that he is not married to.  The first thing to teach your children about sex is that sex is for marriage.

This makes such sense.  For sex is so intimate.  It involves the giving our body to someone.  Do you really want a stranger to have such intimate knowledge of you?  (I say those words and I shudder to think about the awful pain of those who have been violated or who feel regret).  God designed sex for the security of marriage.  (As I say those words I shudder at the thought that for many people marriage is not the safe place it ought to be).

Tell them to expect temptation.

‘The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil’ (3).  Notice that temptation does not always begin with the eyes.  Sometimes it begins with the ears.  

If all your husband or wife ever hears at home is complaint or criticism, imagine how attractive they will find the person who speaks kind and affirming words to them.  There is never any excuse for adultery, but our harshness or inconsideration can add to the temptation our spouse faces.

So, men, this woman at work starts complimenting you.  ‘You are so understanding.’  ‘You have such a good sense of humour.’  ‘I wish my husband understood me the way you do.’  ‘Your wife is a lucky woman.’  ‘You are a really good listener.’  What do you do?  You are beginning to feel really attracted to her.  

Or, women, you feel no-one appreciates you and you head into work knowing that your husband is irritated with you.  But your work-colleague, or best-friend’s husband, always seems to think you are great.  His smile is so affirming.  He really listens.  He is sympathetic.  It is a struggle, because on one hand you really enjoy being around this man, but, on the other hand, you feel guilty and uncomfortable.

Of course, we must not be the tempter.  We must be careful not to flirt.  You might enjoy the power of using charm to get your way.

Think of the consequences

Start, by thinking through the consequences of your potential actions.  For the battle against adultery begins by straight thinking.

The father starts by reminding his son of the cost he will pay if he is taken in by the temptress.  In the end ‘she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.  Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave’ (4-5).  

I remind myself that adultery is a road that can actually lead to death.  I heard the story of a successful preacher who was greatly admired.  But one day he went down to his study and shot himself.  It was said that he couldn’t live with the shame of a relationship he had with another woman.  

Think of all you will lose if you cheat on your spouse.  Even if you get away with it, you will have this terrible secret haunting you.  You could destroy your children and devastate your family.  Your name will be forever associated with unfaithfulness. 

So, lead yourself not into temptation.  

There is no point praying, ‘lead me not into temptation’, if you are running there all by yourself.  Having counted the cost, it makes sense to ‘keep your way far from her and do not go near the door of her house’ (8).  

There may be friendships that you need to let grow distant.  There may be places you need to stop going to.  Of course, it is not just the person we meet face to face that may be troubling us, it could be the online seducer.  In the United States, pornography brings in more income than illicit drugs, alcohol and the entertainment industries combined.  Some of you feel helpless because the temptation of the screen is so strong.  It feels miserable not to be able to trust yourself in your own home.

I have known men who have had the wisdom to put software on their internet that blocks alluring images, and who have had the humility to seek the encouragement of an accountability partner of their own gender. 

I used to think that lust was primarily a male problem.  But then look at the sales of trash like ‘The Fifty-Shades of Grey’, or the popularity of ‘Sex in the City’.  At one youth camp one of the female leaders had the courage to stand up and share her own struggles with porn.

Keep yourself for your spouse

Instead of seeking intimacy with a stranger, keep yourself for your spouse.  Another thing that should keep us from sex outside marriage is the desire to keep ourselves for marriage.  If you are not married think of the one that you may marry.  Would you want that person to see the way that you are behaving today?  While every couple wants to go further before they are married, after they are married they wish that they had not gone so far.  No married person feels comfortable looking back on the things they did with those they were not married to.

You can bless your future spouse by your present purity.  Even if you have already gone too far, you can show them respect by stepping back from what you are doing!  You may not be able to offer them your virginity, but you might be able to show that God has changed you.  There won’t be a man in this room that can tell his wife that he has never looked at a woman lustfully, but you can honour her by saying, ‘I am leaning on God to give me strength in this.’

Remember who is watching you

And, remember that there is someone who loves you more than any spouse can.    Even if there was no present or future spouse to keep pure for, there is someone more important watching you.  

‘A man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths’(21).  God continues to love you even when you fall into sin.  But you can bring pleasure to him by being wise with your sexuality.  You can grow in intimacy with him, as you seek his strength to help you with sexual sin.  What difference does it make to us that our Heavenly Father is watching all we do?

R. A. Torrey writes, ‘How often some young man has had his hand on the door of some place of sin that he is about to enter and the thought has come to him, “If I should enter there, my mother might hear of it and it would nearly kill her,” and he has turned back on the door and gone away to lead a pure life, that he might not grieve his mother.  But there is One who is holier than any mother, One who is more sensitive against sin than the purest woman who ever walked this earth, and who loves us as even no mother ever loved.  This one dwells in our hearts, if we really are Christians …’

Finally, strengthen marriage by enjoying sex with your spouse.

I often want to write the following words of wedding cards.  ‘Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe.  Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love’ (18-20).  

One writer says, ‘There is no better safeguard against infidelity than a vital, interesting marriage.  And certainly, one place in marriage where we want to keep the mystery, the excitement, the fascination … is in sexual intimacy.’  You won’t grow a health sex-life with your spouse if you are not kind, considerate and emotionally open to them.  How sad it is when one member of a marriage is apathetic to the other!  

Conclusion
I want to finish with three very helpful points made by Melvin Tinker.  

Firstly, there is no amount of dirt in our lives that Christ can’t clean up.  ‘What would they think if they knew what you looked at?’  Christ does know what you looked at, he knows how far you have gone, he realises how ashamed you feel, and he loves you.  The blood of Jesus goes on making you clean (1 John 1:7).  Jesus did not condone the activities of sexual sinners.  He said to the woman caught in adultery, ‘go and sin no more’ (John 8:11).  But he offered them forgiveness and a better way to live.  That’s why sexual sinners flocked to him!

Secondly, there is no behaviour so compulsive that Christ doesn’t offer the power to overcome.  Walking in the Spirit produces the fruit of self-control.  We acknowledge that we are helpless on our own, and so we prayerfully follow his guidance in Scripture.   Not only should we confess our failures, we should see the progress and notice the victories he is giving us.

Thirdly, there is no joy which is on offer which Christ cannot surpass.  Isaiah writes, ‘draw waters from the well of salvation’ (Isaiah 12:3).  Tim Chester says, ‘battling porn in our lives is not an exercise in denying pleasure.  It’s about fighting pleasure with a greater pleasure.’  Intimacy with a husband or wife is wonderful, but what we were made for is the greater intimacy with God.  You can be completely fulfilled in life without being married, but you won’t experience real life without Jesus.  And our intimacy with him grows as we lean on him for strength and purity.