Growing old wisely (Proverbs)

‘Gosh, you’ve aged!’  How would you feel if that was the first thing I said to you?  You’d probably feel as annoyed as if I observed, ‘you’ve put on a bit of weight.’  Unless we are under twenty-five, we do not like the fact that we are getting older.  If we are honest, old age can scare us.  But the book of Proverbs has some positive things to say about aging, and it tells us to both respect and look after those who are old.

The following five Proverbs speak about growing old.

A grey head is a crown of glory; it is found in the way of righteousness’ (16:31).  ‘Grandchildren are the crown of old men.  And the glory of children is their father’ (17:6).  ‘The glory of young men is their strength.  And the honour of old men is their grey hair’ (20:29).  ‘Train up a child in the way he should go.  Even when he is old he will not depart from it’ (22:6).  ‘Listen to your father who begat you.  And do not despise your mother when she is old’ (23:22).  

Growing old reveals what we value

Life is short (James 4:14).  Beauty is fleeting (31:30).  Strength fades with the passing of the years (20:29a).  So much of what we value deteriorates over time.  But the proverbs tell us that wisdom shouldn’t decrease as we get older, it should grow.  That is what is implied by the proverbs of grey hair.  It is not a fashion statement.  It is saying that as grey hair comes with age so should wisdom.

We gave my dad a mug that is inscribed, ‘Grandads share a lifetime of knowledge with a heart full of love.’  My dad has learned a lot of things over the course of his life.  He has plenty to teach his grandkids, as does my mum.  We should seek to learn from those who are older than us.  

We should also respect those who are older than us.  Particularly those who have walked in the love of the Lord.  Why do you think that traditional communities referred to their leaders as ‘elders’?  It was because most of their leaders were older.  They valued the insight of experience.  The old have learned to depend on God through many storms.  They have experienced his faithfulness through many trials.  They may have a lifetime of learning about his grace.

There are many downsides to aging, but wisdom can be an upside.  Those of us who are younger can look forward to growing in our experience and knowledge of God.  If we idolise looks and strength, then aging has nothing to offer us (remember that the proverbs tell us that beauty is fleeting).  We will fight the signs of aging, but we will not be able to hide its reality.  But if we value growing in godliness, then you can find yourself on a trajectory that leads to increasing gentleness, kindness and humility.  If we are learning to shelter under God’s wing (Psalm 91:4), then we can face the inevitable storms of our later years.  If we are growing in our confidence in God, then we know that as he brings us through the valley of the shadow of death he will bring us home to his heavenly banquet.  Often old age reveals what is on the inside.  You lose the energy to put on a face and people get to see the years of spiritual nourishment or spiritual neglect.   

Caring for the old reveals our heart

Jesus was passionate about caring for the elderly.  He called out the hypocrisy of Pharisees, who had devised a tradition to get them out of looking after their older parents.  These Pharisees claimed that you could dedicate, to God, the money you had set aside for the care of your parents.  Then you were no longer under any obligation to provide for them.  Jesus looked back to the command to honour your father and mother, and declared that they had, ‘made void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down’ (Mark 7:13).  One of the ways to honour them is to listen to them, and respecting what they have to say!

The love of a caring parent is so precious that God uses it as an illustration of God’s love for his children.  ‘As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him’ (Psalm 103:13).  ‘Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!’ (Isaiah 49:15).  Tim Keller observes that a loving parent is never happier than their saddest child.

So why would the Proverbs have to remind us to ‘Listen to your father who begat you.  And do not despise your mother when she is old’ (23:22)?  The proverbs tell us not to despise our elderly parents because we are naturally selfish.  I’ve known really godly people who have struggled with the demands of looking after an ill parent or relative.  You might feel disgusted with yourself for finding it difficult to care for someone who cared for you so well.  Bring it to the God of grace.  ‘Whoever conceals his transgressions does not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find mercy’ (28:13).  Jesus shed his blood for our selfish hearts!

Before I finish up, I want to address two issues: the feeling of being judged for how you care for your parents and the fact that we all have elderly parents in the family of the church.

We are tempted to judge people for their parenting and for the way they look after their elderly.  Those who have elderly can feel judged.  How often do we visit?  Should we send them to a nursing home?  Should they come and live with us?  All these can be tormenting questions for those who have responsibilities for elderly relatives.  Don’t worry about your critics.  The wisdom of Proverbs is about seeking to please God, and our God is understanding, gracious and kind.

Then there is the fact that in our church there will be elderly people who have no relatives living close by.  Yet they are our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers (Mark 3:32-35).  We are to love them as our own, because they are our own.  Indeed, the Proverbs tells us to love all vulnerable people.  What is said of the poor could be said of anyone in need: ‘Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed’ (19:17).

Conclusion

Are you feeling old?  Are you scared of getting old?  Here is the comfort.  Jesus is the proof of God’s love to you.  If God loves you enough to give his Son for you, can’t he be trusted to hold you in his love all the days of this life?  Nothing can separate us from the love of God, including everything that leads up to death and beyond.

Are you caring for someone who is older?  God wants to pour out his love through you.  God understands when you find it hard.  He forgives when you get frustrated.  He is with you when it feels lonely.  You can shelter under his wing as you seek to provide shelter for others.

I realise the relationship between a husband and wife is different than that of a child to an elderly parent or relative, however the following story is an inspiration to all who love the vulnerable.  

After his wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, seminary president, Robertson McQuilkin, found himself torn between two commitments—to his wife and to his ministry.  He decided to resign from his college career.  In his resignation speech he stated:

‘I haven’t in my life experienced easy decision-making on major decisions, but one of the simplest and clearest decisions I’ve made is this one, because circumstances dictated it.  Muriel now, in the last couple of months, seems to be almost happy when with me, and almost never happy when not with me.  In fact, she seems to feel trapped becomes very fearful, sometimes almost terror, and when she can’t get to me there can be anger, … she’s in distress.  But when I am with her she is happy and contented, and so I must be with her at all times … and you see, it’s not only that I promised in sickness and health, ‘till death do us part … it’s the only fair thing.  She sacrificed for me, for forty years … so if I cared for her for forty years, I’d still be in debt.  However, there’s much more …  It’s not that I have to, it’s that I get to.  I love her dearly … And it’s a great honour to care for such a wonderful person.’

So, may God graciously forgive us for failing in our call to love, and may he graciously enable us to love those to whom we are called.