Proverbs and Purity (Proverbs 5)

A Texas professor speaks of sex outside marriage as being like duct tape.  When you first stick this duct tape on to a person it fastens very well.  However, if you rip it off and stick it on to another, it becomes less sticky.  Keep moving from person to person and the duct tape becomes worthless.  Similarly, moving from sexual partner to sexual partner removes the glue and makes the act of sex lose intimacy.

I suppose the opposite is true with regards to sex within marriage.  One of the things that bonds a married couple together is a good sexual relationship.  For those of with a lot of sexual regret, that duct tape can become sticky again as we experience gracious and loving intimacy within the purity of marriage.  

I realise that there can be things such as health issues that disturb the sexual relationship, but, where possible, sex is a delight and discipline that married couples should put effort into.

The fifth chapter of Proverbs talks to us of sex and temptation.

Teach your children about sex.

The first thing that we notice is that the father is talking to his son about sex.  ‘My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ears to my understanding’ (1).   Our kids are being bombarded by sexual images and messages.  The world no longer agrees with the church on issues of sexual morality.  Your children’s schools will teach them about sexual safety but not about sexual morality.  Christian parents must teach their children about what is wonderful gift that yet has the potential to be a horrible snare.

Tell them that sex is for marriage. 

The ‘adulterous’ (3) is literally ‘the strange woman’.  Not strange in terms of being odd, but strange in terms of being any woman that he is not married to.  The first thing to teach your children about sex is that sex is for marriage.

This makes such sense.  For sex is so intimate.  It involves the giving our body to someone.  Do you really want a stranger to have such intimate knowledge of you?  (I say those words and I shudder to think about the awful pain of those who have been violated or who feel regret).  God designed sex for the security of marriage.  (As I say those words I shudder at the thought that for many people marriage is not the safe place it ought to be).

Tell them to expect temptation.

‘The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil’ (3).  Notice that temptation does not always begin with the eyes.  Sometimes it begins with the ears.  

If all your husband or wife ever hears at home is complaint or criticism, imagine how attractive they will find the person who speaks kind and affirming words to them.  There is never any excuse for adultery, but our harshness or inconsideration can add to the temptation our spouse faces.

So, men, this woman at work starts complimenting you.  ‘You are so understanding.’  ‘You have such a good sense of humour.’  ‘I wish my husband understood me the way you do.’  ‘Your wife is a lucky woman.’  ‘You are a really good listener.’  What do you do?  You are beginning to feel really attracted to her.  

Or, women, you feel no-one appreciates you and you head into work knowing that your husband is irritated with you.  But your work-colleague, or best-friend’s husband, always seems to think you are great.  His smile is so affirming.  He really listens.  He is sympathetic.  It is a struggle, because on one hand you really enjoy being around this man, but, on the other hand, you feel guilty and uncomfortable.

Of course, we must not be the tempter.  We must be careful not to flirt.  You might enjoy the power of using charm to get your way.

Think of the consequences

Start, by thinking through the consequences of your potential actions.  For the battle against adultery begins by straight thinking.

The father starts by reminding his son of the cost he will pay if he is taken in by the temptress.  In the end ‘she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.  Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave’ (4-5).  

I remind myself that adultery is a road that can actually lead to death.  I heard the story of a successful preacher who was greatly admired.  But one day he went down to his study and shot himself.  It was said that he couldn’t live with the shame of a relationship he had with another woman.  

Think of all you will lose if you cheat on your spouse.  Even if you get away with it, you will have this terrible secret haunting you.  You could destroy your children and devastate your family.  Your name will be forever associated with unfaithfulness. 

So, lead yourself not into temptation.  

There is no point praying, ‘lead me not into temptation’, if you are running there all by yourself.  Having counted the cost, it makes sense to ‘keep your way far from her and do not go near the door of her house’ (8).  

There may be friendships that you need to let grow distant.  There may be places you need to stop going to.  Of course, it is not just the person we meet face to face that may be troubling us, it could be the online seducer.  In the United States, pornography brings in more income than illicit drugs, alcohol and the entertainment industries combined.  Some of you feel helpless because the temptation of the screen is so strong.  It feels miserable not to be able to trust yourself in your own home.

I have known men who have had the wisdom to put software on their internet that blocks alluring images, and who have had the humility to seek the encouragement of an accountability partner of their own gender. 

I used to think that lust was primarily a male problem.  But then look at the sales of trash like ‘The Fifty-Shades of Grey’, or the popularity of ‘Sex in the City’.  At one youth camp one of the female leaders had the courage to stand up and share her own struggles with porn.

Keep yourself for your spouse

Instead of seeking intimacy with a stranger, keep yourself for your spouse.  Another thing that should keep us from sex outside marriage is the desire to keep ourselves for marriage.  If you are not married think of the one that you may marry.  Would you want that person to see the way that you are behaving today?  While every couple wants to go further before they are married, after they are married they wish that they had not gone so far.  No married person feels comfortable looking back on the things they did with those they were not married to.

You can bless your future spouse by your present purity.  Even if you have already gone too far, you can show them respect by stepping back from what you are doing!  You may not be able to offer them your virginity, but you might be able to show that God has changed you.  There won’t be a man in this room that can tell his wife that he has never looked at a woman lustfully, but you can honour her by saying, ‘I am leaning on God to give me strength in this.’

Remember who is watching you

And, remember that there is someone who loves you more than any spouse can.    Even if there was no present or future spouse to keep pure for, there is someone more important watching you.  

‘A man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths’(21).  God continues to love you even when you fall into sin.  But you can bring pleasure to him by being wise with your sexuality.  You can grow in intimacy with him, as you seek his strength to help you with sexual sin.  What difference does it make to us that our Heavenly Father is watching all we do?

R. A. Torrey writes, ‘How often some young man has had his hand on the door of some place of sin that he is about to enter and the thought has come to him, “If I should enter there, my mother might hear of it and it would nearly kill her,” and he has turned back on the door and gone away to lead a pure life, that he might not grieve his mother.  But there is One who is holier than any mother, One who is more sensitive against sin than the purest woman who ever walked this earth, and who loves us as even no mother ever loved.  This one dwells in our hearts, if we really are Christians …’

Finally, strengthen marriage by enjoying sex with your spouse.

I often want to write the following words of wedding cards.  ‘Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe.  Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love’ (18-20).  

One writer says, ‘There is no better safeguard against infidelity than a vital, interesting marriage.  And certainly, one place in marriage where we want to keep the mystery, the excitement, the fascination … is in sexual intimacy.’  You won’t grow a health sex-life with your spouse if you are not kind, considerate and emotionally open to them.  How sad it is when one member of a marriage is apathetic to the other!  

Conclusion
I want to finish with three very helpful points made by Melvin Tinker.  

Firstly, there is no amount of dirt in our lives that Christ can’t clean up.  ‘What would they think if they knew what you looked at?’  Christ does know what you looked at, he knows how far you have gone, he realises how ashamed you feel, and he loves you.  The blood of Jesus goes on making you clean (1 John 1:7).  Jesus did not condone the activities of sexual sinners.  He said to the woman caught in adultery, ‘go and sin no more’ (John 8:11).  But he offered them forgiveness and a better way to live.  That’s why sexual sinners flocked to him!

Secondly, there is no behaviour so compulsive that Christ doesn’t offer the power to overcome.  Walking in the Spirit produces the fruit of self-control.  We acknowledge that we are helpless on our own, and so we prayerfully follow his guidance in Scripture.   Not only should we confess our failures, we should see the progress and notice the victories he is giving us.

Thirdly, there is no joy which is on offer which Christ cannot surpass.  Isaiah writes, ‘draw waters from the well of salvation’ (Isaiah 12:3).  Tim Chester says, ‘battling porn in our lives is not an exercise in denying pleasure.  It’s about fighting pleasure with a greater pleasure.’  Intimacy with a husband or wife is wonderful, but what we were made for is the greater intimacy with God.  You can be completely fulfilled in life without being married, but you won’t experience real life without Jesus.  And our intimacy with him grows as we lean on him for strength and purity.