Ephesians 5:21-33 ‘Spirit-filled marriage’

Jim is man about the house. He has a job, and so he pays the bills. He takes great pride in that. When he and his wife Joan watch television, he guards the remote control, he sees it as his right—‘after all who do you think paid for that thing?’
Jim keeps Joan in her place. She isn’t particularly happy, she always wanted to be a teacher, but they married young and there were children before she had finished her training. Recently she thought about going back to college, but Jim said, ‘don’t be stupid, you couldn’t do that’, and so she didn’t. In truth Jim just wanted to keep things the way they were, it suits him that way, besides he was a bit worried that she might end up earning more than he does.
And on the odd occasion when Jim’s conscience suggests to him that he should help around the house, he thinks to himself—‘sure that what she’s here to do?’
Jim doesn’t know anything about what a Christian marriage is supposed to look like!

In Ephesians 5 the Apostle Paul talks about being filled with the Spirit. As the Holy Spirit fills us certain things ought to happen, including submitting to one another in love out of reverence for Christ. In the verses that we are looking at the Apostle shows how this Spirit-filled attitude should look in marriage.

The role of the wife (verses 22-24)
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
Let’s be clear, this verse is not about who does the housework or washes the car. It does not mean that wives are not allowed have their own opinion or that couples shouldn’t work things out together. Neither is there anything here to suggest that women are inferior to men—male and female are equal in being ‘made in the image of God’. But in marriage these equal partners are given different roles and responsibilities. The husband is given the primary responsibility to take the lead and the wife is to humbly submit to his leadership and care.

The wife’s submission is primarily about attitude. She is to accept the role that he has been given and she should be encouraging the responsibility that is his. You will see in verse 33 that her attitude is to be one of respect towards him—wives you may be more aware of your husband’s failings than anyone else but avoid the temptation to have a critical spirit towards him, instead choose to respect him.

The Apostle Paul gives the reason why wives should submit to their husband’s leadership. You are to submit to him as to the Lord—you are to submit to him as you submit to Jesus—for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. As one preacher explains, marriage ‘is meant to be a reflection of how the church relates to her Saviour Jesus. Jesus is the ultimate head of the church, and the church submits to him and his care and protection.’ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Don’t make it hard for your husband to lead! Don’t knock him when he shows initiative. Don’t let yourself be his worst critic, instead seek to be his greatest encourager!

The role of the husband (25-31)
It is worth noting that Paul addresses more than twice as many verses to the husbands as to the wives. Clearly the husbands in Ephesus needed help!

Verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. We are to love our wives in the same way that Jesus loves his people. Jesus who gave himself up for us—this is primarily a reference to the cross! The cross is our model for being a good husband. That means we are called to show our wives sacrificial love!

Do we demonstrate sacrificial love in our use of time? Our wives need our time! If we can’t give our wives the time then maybe we need to change job, be less absorbed in our hobbies or do less in church. Have our wives forgotten what it is like to be taken out on a date?

Do we demonstrate sacrificial love in being willing to help around the house? Couples should sit down and talk through all that needs to be done in the home. No man should leave it all to his wife. No wife should feel taken for granted in this way!

As well as practicing sacrificial love you are to be your wife’s beauty-therapist. This has nothing to do with make-up, manicures, or conditioners—it’s their spiritual beauty that we are to influence. The Apostle Paul tells us that Christ gave himself up for us to make us holy. That one day, because of his work in our lives, we will be presented before him without stain or wrinkle or blemish, but holy and blameless. Then in verse 28 he says, in the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Just as Jesus’ influence on our life brings holiness, so our influence on our wives lives is to encourage her to grow in her faith.

On the evening that I proposed to Caroline she said that she wanted to help me to be all that I could be in the Lord. If I had been on the ball I would have realised that I needed to be able to say the same thing to het. We are to encourage them to use the gifts and capabilities God has given them. We are to help them grow in Christ-likeness. We are to let them blossom as confident, joyous and mature Christian women!

One of the key ways that we can encourage her as a Christian is to spend time praying with her. Praying together is essential for a healthy Christian marriage. Try to put aside time each day where you read the Bible together, where you listen to each others concerns, where you share concerns for others and then pray with each other.

Love her with a sacrificial love, be her spiritual beauty-therapist and make her concerns your own. Verse 28, He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but feeds it and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. In marriage the husband and wife become one flesh, so husbands are to see their wives concerns as being our own concerns, and as we care for ourselves we are to care for them. One thing to say about this: you will never be fully awake to her needs if you are not properly listening to what see is telling you. We need good and deep lines of communication!

A profound mystery (verses 31- 32)
The Apostle Paul then quotes from Genesis 2: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Sex involves a profound union. The Bible is absolutely clear that the only place for this is in marriage. The Bible also encourages married couples to keep their sex-lives alive. You have better things to do than staying up late watching TV together!

Having quotes Genesis 2 the Apostle Paul then writes, This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. This profound mystery that Paul is writing about is the union of Jesus with his church (with those who love him). This is a union of which marriage is a picture. As husbands ought to love their wives so Christ loves his people; as wives are to enjoy and respond to the care of their husbands so those who know Jesus enjoy his love and care; and in particular as husband and wife become one flesh in sexual intimacy we have an illustration of the intimacy of the personal relationship that Jesus offers to all who come to him. This is why this passage is so comforting to those who are single and those who are married. Whether you are single or whether you are married Jesus offers us something that surpasses marriage, something of which marriage, as it is meant to be, is an illustration—he offers us a personal, loving, intimate relationship with God through him.

Conclusion
Verse 33, brings us back to earthly marriages: However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The more I think about this verse the more I realise how it understands the nature of men and women.

Women long to be cherished—so husbands choose to love your wives. Choose to love her even when she does not appear to be lovely to you. Go out of your way to love her. Show her practical care. Take seriously your responsibility to lead in marriage for her good. You are to love her with a sacrificial love, be her spiritual beauty-therapist and care for her needs!

Men long to be respected. So wives respect your husbands. You might know how imperfect he is but choose to respect him. It crushes men when their wives put then down—that is why it is so tempting to do it when he annoys you. It is so sad to see a wife who belittles her husband!

There is more to life than finding Mr/Mrs Perfect. Marriage is a picture of something far greater—the intimate relationship we can enjoy with God through Jesus. This is our ultimate goal whether we are single or married. And if you are married you are called to honour God being wedded to the one you now realise is Mr/Mrs Far-from-perfect! In all that we do may the Holy Spirit fill us to live lives in reverence to Christ.