The ideal wife (Proverbs 31)

One of the questions that has to be addressed when the modern reader looks at the book of Proverbs is, ‘Is this book sexist?’  After all, there are comments about the nagging wife, but nothing about a nagging husband; there are warnings about the adulterous woman, but nothing about the adulterous man; and, here we have help for wife choosing, but nothing about husband choosing.

All this makes more sense when you look at the purpose of the book.  Proverbs is primarily a book of advice from a father and mother to their son (1:8).  If these were the words of a father and mother to their daughter there would be advice of such things as the seductive man.  Notice too that the advice is coming from both mother and father, and that this last chapter is a divine utterance given to the mother of King Lemuel.  In this book when wisdom is personified, it is personified as a female, and the ideal woman of this last chapter actually pictures the wisdom of this book being lived out.  This is not a sexist book!

In this last chapter, King Lemuel’s mother tells him to rule with justice and mercy, and to be a voice for the voiceless.  Proverbs is a book that reflects God’s care for the socially vulnerable—one of my favourite proverbs is ‘whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is merciful to the needy honours God’ (14:31).  Lemuel’s mother then tells him to keep a clear and sober head, so that he can rule righteously.  Finally, she speaks about the important matter of what qualities Lemuel should look for in a wife.

Marriage involves a singular love

Lemuel’s mother tells him not to give his strength to women (plural).  This was one area where Solomon was not wise.  He turned his heart to many women, who turned his heart from God and divided the kingdom.  Lemuel’s mother instructs him to find an excellent wife (singular).  Marriage involves a singular love.

If you like flirting with many people, then you are not preparing yourself to give yourself to one single person.  There is a phrase used in the qualifications for elders in the New Testament, it says that elders are literally to be ‘one-womaned’ men (1 Timothy 3:2).  Being a one-womaned man, or a one-maned woman, involves having eyes that are not straying and a heart that is loyal.

I remember hearing a speaker say that men do not lose their love for their wives, they give it away.  Maybe you have stopped striving to be the ideal husband.  Maybe your passion is not for another woman, but for your career.  Maybe you are not a one-womaned man, but a no-womaned husband who has become apathetic.

Only consider marrying someone who loves the Lord

The book of Proverbs opens by declaring that ‘the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord (1:7).  Now it ends by saying, ‘a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised’ (30).  Don’t take any short cuts on this.  If you love Jesus, then you are looking for someone who loves Jesus, too.  This must be a non-negotiable for you.  

While the book of Proverbs warns against being a sluggard, this woman is hard-working (11-15).  While the book of Proverbs tells us to be generous, this woman opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hand to the needy’ (20).  While the book of Proverbs has so much to tell us about how we speak, this woman ‘opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue’ (26).  This woman has a faith that affects her actions, attitudes and speech!  

Godliness is more important than either looks or personality

Teenagers ask each other, ‘which is more important: looks or personality?’ Here is a Proverbs that addresses that issue: ‘Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion’ (11:22).  The answer to the question of looks verses personality is that godliness is the most important thing.  The Proverbs tell us that look fade and charm can be deceptive, but a woman who fear the Lord is to be praised (30).  In the structure of this Hebrew poem the crux of the matter is in the centre.  The centre of this poem says that such a wife results in ‘her husband [being] known at the gates when he sits among the elders of the land’ (23).

What is it that cause the elders of the land to admire this man’s wife?  They are not sitting there saying, ‘gosh, your wife is a babe!’  They are not envying her because she flirts with them.  They admire this man because she is someone who puts her faith into practice.

Don’t get the impression that while she is running around working hard he is simply sitting with his friends at the city gate.  The city gate was where commercial transactions were carried, and it was there that the city elders sat and sorted out disputes.  Her husband is among the respected men who work hard for the community.  Here is an example of the saying that behind every great man there is a great woman.

Marriage is a call to servanthood  

One of the most striking things about the woman being described in this poem is how other-person centred she is.  In this way she models the character of Christ, who is the personification of wisdom.

Selfishness comes naturally to me, as it does to you.  I don’t have to wake up in the morning and pray, ‘Lord, help me put myself ahead of everyone else.’  That is what I am inclined to do.  But I do need to pray, ‘help me to praise my wife, nurture my children and genuinely care for those I meet today.’

Jesus dignified the role of servant more than any other leader.  ‘I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my live as a ransom for many’ (Mark 10:45).  The cross shows how far Jesus went to serve his people.  The cross is the example that Jesus calls us to follow.  It is an example that we are to live out in all our relationships, including marriage.  The good news if you are a follower in love with Jesus is that Christ is in you enabling you to become more like him.  

Encourage those you love

‘Her children praise her and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her’ (28).  You may be aware of where your wife struggles to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but are you praising her where she demonstrates even a little of these qualities?  The power of encouragement is a wonderful thing.  Don’t look down this list to see where she is failing, instead see what God is doing in her life and nourish it with gentle words.  Similarly, wives, don’t just focus on the husband’s failings, but look to see evidence of Christ at work in him.

Conclusion

If I was a woman reading these verses, one of the problems I would have is that they would make me feel inadequate.  All of us fail to be like this ideal woman.  Every married man here lives with a woman who is less than perfect, and every wife here lives with a man who is less than ideal.  Married or single, we look at ourselves and see faults.  But the Proverbs know about grace.  ‘Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find mercy’ (28:13).

Jesus, who knew that we were incapable of perfection in this life, nevertheless told his us, ‘you must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’ (5:48).  We are called to pursue perfection.  So, when you look for a spouse or when you look at yourself, we ask, ‘are they/we pursing perfection?  Do they/we want to grow in Christ?  Are they/we becoming humbler?  Are they/we becoming quicker to confess their/our faults?  Your potential spouse may not have been a Christian for a long time, but are they wanting to grow in grace?  You may have been a Christian for ages, but have you become stagnant?  Don’t just look for the ideal spouse, ask God to help you aim at perfection in yourself!