Closer than a brother (Proverbs)

If you were Prince Harry, how would you know who your real friends are?  The Proverbs highlight the fact that people are superficial.  ‘The poor man is disliked even by his neighbour, but the rich have many friends’ (14:20).  How does Harry know if his friends would still like him if he was an ordinary soldier?  Harry needs to think carefully about friendships.

Something similar is going on in Proverbs.  The Proverbs include advice given by King Solomon to one of his sons.  This son is a prince, he is loaded, and he has status.  Everyone wants to hang out with him.  So how does he choose good friends?  How does he know who his real friends are?  He needs to listen to the advice of his father and mother (1:8).

‘The righteous choose their friends carefully’ (12:26).  Choosing good friends is a life skill we all need to learn.  The consequences of poorly chosen friends can be disastrous.  ‘He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm’ (13:20).

Look for people who love the real you

Last Sunday Anya, Sian and I watched the film ‘Wonder’ together.  The main character is a little boy called August Pullman.  Auggie doesn’t fit in because he has facial differences.  The other children in his school stay away from him and say that if you touch him you will get the plague.  But then one boy, Jack, really becomes Auggie’s friend.  Ultimately, Jack didn’t care what other people think about Auggie.  He likes Auggie for who Auggie is.  Don’t we all want friends like that?

The Proverbs tell us that beauty is fleeting.  If you surround yourself by people who love you for your image, charm or influence, what will happen when you become yesterday’s person?  What will happen when the crowd grow bored of you?  Who will be with you when you fall out of fashion?  

Do you ever wonder if your friends would still love you if saw you in a bad mood on a bad day?  You don’t want superficial friends!  The good news is that Solomon can tell his son, ‘there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother’ (18:24).  That was a massive statement to make in a culture where families were valued far more than they were in our society.

Perhaps Solomon thought of his father, King David, when he talked about such a friend.  Solomon would have known that his father once had the best of friends.  The story of the young David and Jonathan is the great friendship story of the Old Testament.  Jonathan stuck by David even though his dad wanted David dead.  Jonathan stuck by David even though it put his life at risk.  Jonathan could have seen David as a rival for the throne, but he was actually happy that David would be made king instead of him.  We all need friends like Jonathan.

Indeed, sometimes it is only when things are difficult that we see who our real friends are.  ‘A friend loves at all times, and a brother is for adversity’ (17:17).  True friends are not just there for the good times.  They care for you!  

Don’t just be attracted to the cool people, who might be good craic.  Go for people who really know how to care.

Look for people who are a good influence on you

Just because a true friend loves the real you, doesn’t mean that they don’t want you to change.  But they want you to change for your sake not theirs.  They want to see you grow and flourish.  If they are a Christian, they want to see you become more like Jesus.  They want to see you mature.  They want to watch you put your giftings into action.  

The Proverbs tell us that true friends actually challenge us.  ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy’ (27:6).  ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another’ (27:17).  ‘Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from heart-felt counsel’ (27:9).  The idea of heart-felt counsel suggests an openness between friends.  You will never have close friendships unless you can be vulnerable with people!  

There is a thing called an enabling friend.  They are the sort of friend who enables you to carry on in destructive patterns of behaviour.  Think of the teen who buys their friend beer or pressures you to smoke weed.  Think of the friend who never challenges you about your fits of rage.  Think of the friend who greets you with the words, ‘any gossip?’, because they love to hear you bad-mouth people.

But can your friends challenge you?  Are you so defensive that people are scared to show you where you need to change?  Are you oversensitive and touchy?  Are you wise enough to ask people for help in seeing where you need to mature?  Do you ever invite constructive criticism?  Do the friends you choose help you grow?  

Of course, if you are the one offering constructive criticism, be careful to balance it with words of encouragement.  Psychologists say that to maintain healthy friendships the ratio of affirmation to correction should be at least three to one.  After all, if all you ever do is point to your friend’s weaknesses they may wonder why you want to be their friend in the first place.

With regards to the influence that friends have on us, it is important to realise how a positive spirit blesses friendship.  I am not talking about naïve optimism, but I am warning about being someone who always highlights the negative.  Such negativity can be a form of anger, and Proverbs warns us that anger is infectious.  ‘Make no friendship with a person given to anger, nor with a wrathful person, lest you learn their ways and entangle yourself in a snare’ (22:24-25).  A critical grumbling attitude may be infectious.

Look for people who are sensitive

I find the next few proverbs that we are going to look at a little funny (and a bit close to the bone).  They are a warning against insensitive people.

‘Whoever blesses his neighbour with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing’ (27:14).  What’s the problem here?  It seems that they don’t know that you are not a morning person.  They are inconsiderate!

Neither do they get your sense of humour.  ‘Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbour and says, “I was only joking”’ (26:19).  Badly chosen humour not only can annoy someone, it can actually hurt them.  I am someone who must remember to be sensitive with my humour.

Of course, one of the things that makes a good joke not funny is when we haven’t seen that the person is not in the mood for joking.  ‘Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings a song to a heavy heart’ (25:20).  They haven’t noticed when you are falling apart because they don’t really care.

Solomon actually warns us to exercise a little tact.  One of the things that can ruin friendships is when we are overbearing.  ‘Let your foot be seldom in your neighbour’s house, lest he has his fill of you and hates you’ (25:17).  Better that they ask you to stay a little longer than that they are dying for you to leave.  I heard of one guy who had a rather blunt way of conveying the message to those who were overstaying their welcome: he would go off and get into his pyjamas.  Our problem might not be that we want to spend too much time in their house, but that we are always sending them texts or phone calls.  Not everyone can be our close friend.  Not everyone will have the time that we wish they could spend with us. 

Conclusion

How good are you at choosing friends?  If you are looking for people who will make you look good, you will end up with the superficial friends you deserve.  If you only want a good time, then you will only ever have shallow friendships.  But there are friends who stick closer than a brother—they love the real you, want you to grow and are sensitive.  Are we looking to be that sort of friend to others?

As Christians, when we think of a friend that sticks closer than a brother our minds quickly move to Jesus.  The night before his crucifixion Jesus told the disciples, ‘I no longer call you servants … I have called you friends’ (John 15;15).

Is he a friend who loves the real you?  He loves you, warts and all.  If he loved you enough to die for you, when you wanted nothing to do with him, how much more will he go on loving you now that he has accepted you as a friend (Romans 5:10).  How deep is his friendship?  ‘Greater love has no man than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends’ (John 15:14).

Is he a friend you will challenge you to change?  There is no more challenging friend than Jesus.  He has great ambitions for our lives.  But all those challenges are for our good.  He wants to free us from destructive habits and strengthen us to live a life for the glory of his Father and our Father.

Is he a sensitive friend?  Absolutely!  He understands us, and he is gentle.  ‘A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out’ (Matthew 12:20).  But unlike our earthly friends he wants us to dwell in his house for ever.